By Mwiza Hanna.
I close my eyes. I take a deep breath. I get my hands chained in his.
Everything is crumbling down, the empires and kingdoms I built all falling into dust. The beautiful castles crush down as though they are sand castles on the beach. What am I doing? This is crazy. My gats tell me I have to run and uphold what I built all the way up to this time, the demon on my left tells me to run for my life before I turn to dust as well and yet the angel on my right tells me to trust my heart.
It’s not always easy to trust your heart when your mind and will is louder.
Another castle falls. Though my eyes are closed in this chaotic scene, I can see the dust that it blows up and a tear drops fast down my chic. I bite my lower lip in bitterness. “Open your eyes, before it all goes down!” the voice persisted.
My hands locked in his, I sway according to his move. Of the noise of the crumbling walls of the city I built, he makes a song out of it. How could I possibly be trusting someone who dances to the tune of my crumbling world? And how is it that I’m swaying to his lead?
My eyes are closed still, but I can see the dust go round as he gives me a major toss and I turn round and round. The fright that I’m obviously going to crumble at this moment, makes my heart beat like a drum that is being played by some crazy rock star.
I still believe that he won’t lead me to where he’s never been, he won’t sway me towards what he hasn’t seen yet, after all, he sees better.
I’m almost opening my eyes, because for sure I am going to fall, and just then, I land in his arms. I breathe too heavily, my body too close to him. I step back. I definitely wouldn’t want to mess his royal rob with these messed up jeans. I mean, all the dirt I got on my clothes during the creation of my perfect world of castles is not worth touching his robe of perfectness.
So I shy away from him, but he grabs me by the hand and we sway on and on. Before I could notice it, he reminds me of the song he wrote for me before the start of time. How could I remember it when I never existed then? Then he whispered to me, “You had been there, I planned you and my plans are alive.” Tears drop down my eyes again heavily in joy and confusion. We dance on and on.
“Ask me anything and I will answer.” He tells me as we dance to my favourite song, at least it has become my favourite song right now. With that offer, I want to ask why my castles were falling, I took long building them. I used the best materials! “Will you stay with me like this?” I ask after a moment. Really? Of all things I could ask, I chose this question? Where did it come from?
“Yes. I always have.” He sways on and on. He tosses me again and round and round I go. I burst in laughter. When last I laughed, is in some lost history papers. As I land in his arms again, he whispers “You have a beautiful white dress.” I finally open my eyes and stare directly into the eyes of the one who sees a white dress on me, one who sees purity where I see a mess. Eyes tearful, I say “I…I don’t have a white dress.” He smiles…
We dance on.
“I don’t have a white dress.” I insist with my eyes and his locked. “Well, I wouldn’t say the same.” He gives me another toss and as I go round, I don’t recognise the place I am in.
“Did I close my eyes for so long,” I say to myself as I see everything in slow motion. After five twists, I come to a stop. I am speechless. Where is my fallen kingdom? What castle I’m I in. What happened here?
“I know you wanted to ask me why things weren’t going well when you even trusted me as you put together every stone. Well, sometimes in your trusting in me, and trusting in my word that you are capable in me, you trust yourself too much and put a stone where it ought not to be. So I come in to place every stone where it should be.””
“But did you have to break down everything?”
“But how do I get a stone that is down without removing what’s on top?”
“How did you build this castle then so fast?”
“I didn’t, you did it.”
“I did not,” I turn to him. “All I did was dance.”
“You trusted me.” He smiles and holds my hand, “And the tears you cried couldn’t serve you any better.”
“My tears…?” I stare at him in confusion and amusement.
“Yes. I never let them fall. This is your castle.”
Did I spend so much time and sweat my blood away to build those silly castles without some solid foundation? Why did I not try dancing and trusting more? Look where I am right now? How could he do so much for me in a moment?
“I love you and I care for you.” I have heard these words before, but they sound different when he says them. Is it the sound of it? I don’t know. The words cause a firework in my heart, or is it bloodwork?. It feels as though the words burst into my heart and every single blood cell transmits the message to every part of my body, this could be better than oxygen flowing through my veins.
I am Loved. I am cared for.
In my castle, I dance and dance and dance with my Saviour, my friend, my love, my king… Jesus Christ.
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